Help me...

Joined: Mar 04, 2021 Posts: 1 Status: **Offline**

I had a person that I cared about immensely. I saw his appearance in my life as a Grace from God as if he was the one I prayed for. I was happy for a while, and then he was gone. Who could I resort to with my suffering if not the Almighty? I prayed, I prayed a lot. I began to pray the Pompeian Novena. I did not ask for him to come back at any cost-I knew that if it was not God's Will, it was better that it not happen. So my intention was complex - I asked for the necessary graces for him, for us to get back together if it was God's Will, and if it wasn't, for me to lose those feelings, to stop suffering, and to fall in love with someone else. My life, although full of pain at that moment, became for me a string of amazing events, the authorship of which I attributed to God. I saw how He was responding to me. How He tells me that this is not the end and it is worth waiting for. I asked for Signs and received them so amazing that I was shocked. After I finished the Novena, they stopped being just Signs. He came back into my life. We started to renew contact. Soon I started another Novena with the same intention. The next Novena was full of signs, we were getting closer to each other, our relationship was developing more and more and I was in awe of how well God had planned it. I was afraid, but these events that I read as God's Voice gave me peace, and everything was moving forward. I thought.
Ultimately, I saw meaning in this separation. I was glad that it brought me closer to God, that it gave us time to mature. I thought it was meant to be. After all, I had given it to God, I had tried to trust Him and be with Him. I really tried, I fell, but I got back up and believed that He was working in it.
However, the day came when I found out that my hopes were misplaced.
I don't know what to do now. I know God gives trials of faith, but why did He allow me to have that hope and then be left with what I am with now? More broken than ever. Why did God allow me to spend so much time with him and become even more attached? Why did He listen to my requests for our contact, our meetings, even though I asked that it only happen if it was according to His Will?
I was the one who said "God is good" just like that. I was thankful for everything and saw His work in everything. I tried so hard to be with Him, to go to confession regularly, to Eucharist several times a week, because I know it's the real Jesus. No matter how much I do, nothing will make me deserve His Grace, but after all, He loves us and gives it to us, why do I have to agonize for so long when I resort to Him? This probably hurts me even more than what happened. I feel a knife in my back because God has seen my tears, how hard I try and how much I want to trust Him, and He allowed this to happen. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like He left me, or like He wasn't there at all. I understand that what has happened if it is His Will, is better for me, but why has He given me, or allowed so many signs that say "yes" when the answer is "no". I don't even know what to do to not resent Him and pray normally. I'm afraid to ask and hope since this is where I've landed now. This is what I am most terrified of. How do I continue to believe? How do I believe that there is a God, that He is Good, and that He loves me? I guess that's why I'm writing this confession. Because that's the answer I need most. How do I not lose my relationship with Jesus and continue to believe? Help.